The world, the future

I have become increasingly frustrated and agitated since the fall (as well as depressed and angsty, as is widely evidenced in this droopy blog). I have a lot of concerns about my professional/community contributions and options, am really feeling like my efforts and passion are misplaced and confused, and am striving to make sense of the craziness.

I have a lot of loves in this town and what I really wish I could be doing is attending to them, full time. I wish I had the ability to work for and contribute on various levels to a whole bunch of things. Let me see if I can list some.

- Tacoma Contemporary
I'm a board member for TaCo and I love the work but feel like we're just under our mark. Well, ok, not "just under," more like, desperately dog paddling to keep our noses water-free. We have so many good ideas, we have such a cool space, we feature such fantastic artists but there is so much more we could be doing and we're tired and pulled in too many directions, since we have "real jobs" getting in the way.

- Hilltop Artists
Maybe I'm just a huge fan of Kit Evans, the organization's executive director, but I just love the work Hilltop Artists does. I love the hot shop at Jason Lee Middle School, I love seeing the kids creating fantastic art, learning a craft, and gaining confidence. I think it's great and a very clear source for community connectivity and expression. I wish I could do more there.

- MLK Ballet
I think MLK Ballet has all the potential in the world. They teach ballet for free and they present the daring, compelling and thoughtful MOVE performance series that I think is one of the more exciting events in town. And they have no website, no consistent management (that I can see), and no outreach.

- McCarver Elementary
After tutoring at McCarver for a short time, I fell in love with the school: with the commitment you could see on the faces of the teachers and administrators, and with the inarticulated, deep appreciation the children felt for the school as their haven. You could see it in their expressions, in their rapt faces in class, in their gamboling on the playground. It is a good school surrounded by a neighborhood that is deeply invested in it.

- Exit 133
This website means a lot to Tacoma and I feel like the mastermind is stretched thin and needs help. Unfortunately I do not think he can afford it. This is all just conjecture but, I tend to get frustrated with the content, the lack of quality in the writing and the lack of real news. I need a little more; I wish there was a way I could get it there.

- Tacoma Food Co-op
The Co-op drives me crazy. It doesn't even exist and it drives me crazy. TFC: your board is too big, your committees seem to not know how to prepare to run a grocery store, and the hype is dying. Let's get to work!

- Tacoma Is For Lovers
I wish there was a way to make Tacoma Is For Lovers a legitimate undertaking. I'm not sure how to do such a thing at all. I love Jennifer Adams and I would love to see her vision take wing.

- Shunpike
I think this organization is phenomenal and a phenomenon. I am so excited for them to be in Tacoma and I wish I could figure out a way to spend more time working with them.

- Vegans and Vegetarians in Tacoma
Where are you? Why do we only have one restaurant? Why won't anyone make us food? What are you afraid of, Tacoma?

So. What to do? Should I just freelance? Should I build a portfolio of projects for all the people and friends I love and then just do it full-time? What should I do?

Slogging through the season

So, it has been a really tough fall/winter and I am still putting in a lot of conscious effort to avoid truly engaging with my grief, my injuries, my support network, my talents, and really most other aspects of my existence that could encourage healing.

I spent a lot of time surrounded by love and comfort this holiday season and I am sure it helped on some level but for the most part, my pervading compulsions want me to spend significant time motionless and alone. This all sounds way worse than I think it is. I've been really busy and although I just had a pseudo vacation, I spent the majority of it nursing a sprained ankle and feeling intensely unproductive which is really the only time I feel guilty.

A nearly relatable thought/tangent: I have been successful in transforming certain chores into compulsions that control my ability to relax/enjoy(for example: I can't sit down and watch tv if the living room floor isn't swept, the throw blankets and pillows are not in their place, netflix dvds are not stacked neatly, etc.; and, I can't cook if the kitchen is a wreck)but when incapacitated, it just made the living situation hugely irritating as I was unable to compulsively tidy. These compulsions are a self fulfilling blessing and curse: because of them, selected areas of my living quarters are not a complete wreck; because of them I can successfully distract myself from greater, more important work (writing, Tacoma Contemporary, friends, family, community efforts).

Moving on to additional, mildly relatable thoughts: having experienced a lot of forced change, I have been torn to grab the momentum and continue changing or to somehow capture and hoard some stasis (which I know is basically impossible), and I think I have been definitely attempting both simultaneously. I guess I just have to keep it up since the conflicting movements, the progressive and the depressive, seem to be forcing me to think.

It is really hard for me to process loss and this was something that never occurred to me to expect (which I guess is silly). I'm such a control freak and manipulator that I don't think I ever considered that relationships could be ripped from me by forces completely out of my control. And now I have all these stupid dreams where I lose and/or break things; and in real life I accidentally lose and/or break/ruin things all the time. Grief and loss are embarrassing for me. I've been made a fool, clumsy, and out of control. What a mean universe!

I can't wait to be able to walk comfortably again. I need my thinking time: "All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking." - Friedrich Nietzsche